Operation Randomness
by JapanFan Kyoko
Summary: Chapter 2: Kirby tries his part of the plan which involves mints and guns... and a rabbid called Jeremy. More madness as Kirby gets cooked in an oven! Will Kirby succeed? Or more importantly, will he survive? Read it and find out!
1. Jealousy, Apples and Sherry

**Kyoko: Hi everyone! This is my first attempt at writing humour! Well, I tried it once but I don't think it went too well... So please don't flame!** **I was intending this to be a oneshot, but the ideas in my head merged to make a longer story. Fox! Summary please!**

**Fox: Link is feeling jealous that Snake and Sonic are getting more attention than him, and the fact that their not from Nintendo makes it even worse! He decides that he must get rid of them, but not everything goes to plan when other Smashers get involved!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the SSB characters.**

* * *

Fiercely grabbing his pen, Link furiously began scribbling down his thoughts, occasionally looking up from his diary, but it only made him angrier. He scowled at Zelda, Peach and Samus as they crowded around the two newcomers, squealing in an annoying fan girl way for one, and giggling at the other.

"Why don't they do that to me?!" he mumbled, annoyed. "I mean… I'm cute, aren't I?"

He sat in an armchair watching everyone greet the newcomers then decided that he should at least try and get to know them. So, shutting his diary, he wandered over to see what all the fuss was about. Upon recognising the two figures as he waded through the crowd, he leapt backwards, falling on Ganondorf and screamed.

"Aah! Master Hand what have you done?!"

Link curled into a ball and cowered on the floor. The Smashers stared at him.

"Link, _what _are you doing? And get off me!" yelled Ganondorf. Whimpering, Link jumped off of the Gerudo king and hid behind Zelda. Master Hand floated into the room.

"What's all the shouting about?" he said, confused.

"Link's gone hyper… again." Zelda sighed. "Ganondorf, I told you to hide the cookies!"

"I did… sorta…" Ganondorf replied guiltily. "Well, I thought an overdose on sugar would make him die or something, I didn't expect him to do something crazy like that!"

Nervously Master Hand looked at the newcomers and wondered if the mansion's good reputation had now been ruined, for they were trying not to laugh. Link took this opportunity to inspect them.

"_Hmm… OK. Calm down Link, you might be overreacting! OK, first newcomer: black hair, blue and black suit, loads of weapons… loads more than me! OK, I'm overreacting again. Right, second newcomer: blue fur, big eyes, red shoes and this air about that says 'I'm popular'… _OH NO! WE'VE BEEN OVERTAKEN BY KONAMI AND SEGA!"

"Link, you said that out loud," said Master Hand. "And no, we haven't been overtaken at all you stupid buffoon. I invited them here, so get used to it."

"It wasn't the sugar at all," Zelda murmured, relieved. "Sorry, Ganondorf! Well, I never thought I'd say that…"

"Analysis complete!" Link shouted in robot kind of way. "You!"

He pointed at Snake, one of the newcomers. "You're Snake, yes?"

"Er, yeah…" the man replied, backing away. "Master Hand, where's my room?"

Without a word, Master Hand grabbed Snake and flew up the stairs, giving a thumbs up to Crazy Hand who had been lying on the ceiling waiting for a signal.

"I R BABOON!" He screeched, plummeting from the ceiling and narrowly missing Ness as he crashed onto the floor. "Ahem. Welcome to the Smash Mansion, I'm Crazy Hand. I am 6ft 10, I'm 28 years old and I like apples."

"No, Crazy Hand!" Master Hand exclaimed whilst still holding Snake on the stairs. "Introduce the new Smasher!"

Crazy Hand looked up at him, confused. Master Hand, annoyed, starting communicating in sign language, but found it hard because he was only a hand and he needed two to do it properly.

"Who said I liked pickled sausage?"

"Forget it,"

Angrily, Master Hand picked Snake up again and left. Crazy Hand crashed onto the floor in an anime style. "Of course. OK Smashers, you've just been involved in the random introduction of these two-"

He pointed at the empty space where Snake once stood. He froze for about a minute. "Er, yeah." he said finally. "Well, you saw Snake, but now I'd like to introduce you to Sonic!"

Cheers erupted among the Smashers, and the girls carried on screaming and dancing round in circles. Link pouted. The blue hedgehog beamed, surprised that he was getting so much attention even though he wasn't a Nintendo character.

"OBJECTION!" yelled Link, pulling on a blue jacket and dying his hair black and pointing and Sonic. "Where were you at the time of the brainwashing?"

"Brainwashing?" said Sonic, laughing. "What do you mean?"

"You brainwashed Master Hand so you could take my girlfriends away!" Link whined. Zelda glared at him. "Of course, I mean girl_friend_!I mean, it was so not me spying on Peach through her door the other day!"

Everyone went silent except for Peach who started shouting gibberish at Link. Crazy Hand felt jealous because he didn't feel popular.

"Right, now that we all know each other," he said disappointedly. "Let's go and eat all the food before I do!"

And so everyone, including Sonic but excluding Link, and a red Pikmin, ran out of the room towards the dining hall.

"MINE!" Captain Falcon ran into the room, grabbed the Pikmin and shoved it into his mouth. "Ew, tastes like noodles."

"I feel isolated!" Link moaned, falling back onto his armchair. "Why doesn't anyone pay this much attention to me? And why does Master Hand like Sonic and Snake? How come Crazy Hand celebrates their arrival with a massive spontaneous feast that I'm not invited to?"

"You chose not to go," replied C. Falcon, pulling a Pikmin flower out of his mouth and putting in inside Link's hat. "There, that's your present. I've paid attention to you."

"That's not good enough," said Link, eating the flower.

"Aw, don't worry Link!" said C. Falcon, patting him on the back. "You'll get used to them. They're great, and everybody wants them in Brawl!"

"Except for me," said Link grumpily. "I need a plan. Hmm, yes, a plan…"

Link stared out of the window as if he were frozen, an unusual look in his eyes. Captain Falcon slapped him on the face.

"Come on, you've eaten too much sugar."

"Sugar?! You still think it's the sugar?"

"Oh, I arrived late. Sorry."

"ANYWAY!"

The swordsman irritably jumped out of the chair and stomped up the stairs to his room.

"Where are you going?" called C. Falcon.

"Well, duh, my room!" said Link, eating a yellow Pikmin which came out of nowhere. "I'm planning something, so don't disturb me."

C. Falcon shrugged and walked off. He joined the rest of the Smashers in the dining hall, where Crazy Hand had tossed fridges everywhere. Bewildered, Sonic hid inside a plant pot with a donut. The fan girls, Zelda, Peach and Samus looked for him everywhere except the plant pot then decided to start a food fight. Not a good idea since Yoshi almost exploded the last time. And then Crazy Hand involved his secret stash of sherry…

* * *

Many hours had passed and Link was still stuck in his room. It was almost midnight, and the shouting of the Smashers downstairs had quietened down, apart from Crazy Hand's screeching of Spanish karaoke songs.

It had been all planned out, his plan. However, he couldn't do it by himself, so he confidently marched out of his room and stood in the corridor waiting for a Smasher to come along. Eventually, someone staggered up the stairs with a bottle with some sort of alcohol in it. Link frowned, because he or she didn't look that tall. The figure managed to crawl to Link's feet and look up at him.

"Kirby?" said Link, picking up the drunk puffball.

"Who's Kirby?" he babbled, smiling. "Oh yeah! That's me!"

"I thought you weren't drinking anymore?"

"I won the dare!"

"What dare?"

"Jigglypuff broke his promise first," he laughed, waving his tiny arms. "Caught him in the pantry downing the lager like a fish!"

For a moment Link forgot what he was doing in the hallway. He stared at the little puffball as he pulled his hat off and sat inside it and calling it a sock.

"Er, Kirby?" he said nervously. "Would you like to join me in getting rid of Snake and Sonic?"

"Why?" Kirby asked.

"They took my girlfriends away… I mean girl_friend_! They stole my popularity!"

"Hmm… OK!"

"Seriously?"

"I don't know, I'll have to wait for the alcohol to wear off."

So Kirby plodded back to his room and Link waited for someone else. After half an hour Fox flew up the stairs and crashed into a wall.

"Aha! Another drunk Smasher! Perfect!" said Link, rubbing his hands.

"Eh? What? Me? Drunk?" exclaimed Fox, hiding behind Link. "No, no, no! Crazy Hand threw me into the wall! He's gone mad!"

"Sherry?" said Link, looking at the trembling fox.

"Yep," Fox replied.

And so Link explained once more to the sober Star Fox pilot that he was going to get rid of Snake and Sonic for several reasons which have already been explained. After threatening to spread rumours that it was actually him spying on Peach he eventually gave in and joined him.

Link carried on questioning the Smashers for two hours then decided to go to bed, saying he would meet them at 5am. Six Smashers, four of them drunk, had been persuaded to join Link's gang, and, when five o' clock came, they dragged themselves out of bed to hear about what Link would do.

"Morning!" Link yawned as they crowded into his room.

"This better be important," said Marth sleepily.

"Well, you've heard most of the details," said Link, nestling back into his blankets again. "You all agreed to help me get rid of Snake and Sonic, right?"

The group nodded. C. Falcon looked slightly worried and kept glancing at the clock.

"What is it?" asked Roy.

"Link, you'd better be quick 'cause my manicure starts in-"

Silence. C. Falcon pretended no one heard and examined his nails. "…What?"

"Ahem," Link began, ignoring him. "The aim of the mission is to get rid of Snake and Sonic. I will give each of you a task which you must complete. If everything goes well, then it will definitely result in them leaving. If not, I could suffer from unpopularity!"

"But what's the name of our mission?" asked Kirby, still wearing Link's hat without him knowing.

"I shall call it… Operation Randomness!" exclaimed Link, opening up a roll of paper with the name scribbled across it and a childish doodle of himself underneath it. "Named after my great-great-grandfather Sir Link McRandom."

A few crickets chirped in the background. Most of the Smashers had now fallen asleep. Link looked up at his clock and realised that it had taken him almost an hour to explain his plan.

"OK, you can go back now," Link sighed, pushing Marth and Kirby off his bed. Fox and C. Falcon dragged the three other Smashers out of the room and shut the door, leaving Link alone again.

"Hah, they all looked so worried," he chuckled to himself. "What could possibly go wrong?"

* * *

**You know what that means! Trouble! What will Snake and Sonic think of this? Well, more importantly, will they ever find out? Next chapter the randomness begins as a Smasher starts his part of the plan. The next chapter will probably be longer and hopefully more crazy. Crazier than Crazy Hand drinking sherry? You'll have to wait!**


	2. Kirby, Rabbids, and Mints

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Kyoko: I'm back! It took a while because of school getting in the way and stuff, so... I'm sorry! Thank you to everyone has reviewed so far! The randomess of Operation Randomness continues when Kirby attempts to complete his part of Link's plan!

**I don't own any SSB characters.**

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Cautiously Kirby crept out his bedroom. He was still wearing Link's hat like a sock, and he dragged himself through the corridors. Oh, and did I mention that he had an absolutely terrible hangover? Link crept into his room a few hours after the meeting and handed him a piece of paper with some instructions.

It was now ten o' clock in the morning. Kirby walked into the kitchen and ate radishes and prawns because they smelled strange... like marshmallows. In the dining area Mario and Luigi had syrup on their faces and Bowser was licking sugar off of donuts and putting them back in the cookie jar. Samus ate one.

"Nothing like donut sugar in the morning'" said Bowser.

"I prefer icing sugar," Kirby smiled.

"That's not even sugar, stupid. It's icing."

"No way, it's sugar!"

Bowser threw the cookie jar out the window and started chewing the TV instead, saying it had less calories and that Kirby called him fat.

"Er... Mario, Luigi? What are you doing?" Kirby asked.

"It's supposed to help the skin," Mario replied grumpily. Luigi bit his face. "Ow! It took me eight seconds to coat that side of my face!"

Ganondorf jumped through the ceiling with a wand.

"'Cause your face will DIE!"

They stared at him. Bowser was sick on the TV.

"Ganondorf, you are _so_ not Ganon anymore. It was like, soooo CD-i." said Kirby. Ganondorf danced around the room and fell on Kirby. Kirby grabbed his secret peanut stash in his boots and shoved one in his mouth. Ganondorf choked and died... temporarily.

"Yay for randomness!" he cheered before squirting sauce over his face.

Bowser almost fainted from a randomness overdose. "I smell chicken and I think it's Kirby's fault!"

"Oh noes you know my password!" screamed Kirby. He jumped on Bowser's head and chewed his nose.

"Yaaah! What're you doin' you idiot? I had my hair washed this morning! Oops..."

They stared at each other. "Bowser... You actually wash your hair?"

"I'm sorry, Kirby!" he cried, smashing a vase. Samus was inside it playing a PSP. "...What?"

A rabbid screamed and jumped through the window with a yellow Pikmin and stuffed it in Samus' mouth then threw her out the window. Kirby picked up a red Pikmin and ate it because he thought it was cool.

"No one, I repeat, NO ONE MUST KNOW ABOUT THIS CATASTROPHE!" yelled the rabbid, his eyes glowing red. For a few seconds it picked up the fallen PSP and played it then ate it. It exploded.

"Yeah. Anyway, you know my secret!" shouted Kirby, punching Bowser.

"I know!" the Koopa King retorted, punching him back. "You want to get rid of Snake and Sonic!"

"HOW DID YOU KNOW?"

Bowser pointed at the instructions in Kirby's hand. "Fair enough,"

"I'll help you if you like." Bowser said after another rabbid hopped through the window and chewed through the TV. "Now let's see..."

He grabbed the paper and read through Kirby's instructions. He narrowed his eyes at the scribbled writing then widened his mouth at the first set of instructions. Yes, it takes him a while to read.

"We need mints!" he said angrily. "Kirby, go into the kitchen and get some mints!"

"OK!" Kirby replied. But then he looked confused. "...Why?"

"You need to make mint bullets so you can knock out Snake and Sonic. You need a gun as well but we'll worry about that later."

"Stop bossing me about!" said Kirby. The puffball, who was still sitting inside Link's hat, hopped into the kitchen. Unfortunately Snake and Sonic were in there and he screamed and jumped onto the fan on the ceiling.

"Kirby, get down from there!" shouted Bowser, stomping into the room. The fan spun round and flung Kirby into the oven. Thee three Smashers exchanged glances, all wondering if they should take Kirby out before he explodes like an overcooked jacket potato.

"I'm hungry," Snake sighed, getting some mints out of the cookie jar which appeared for some reason.

"What about Kirby?" asked Sonic. "We could have had Kirby kebabs if we left him to get cut up on that fan..."

"YAAAH! IT'S ON GAS MARK 9!"

Bowser pulled Kirby out of the oven and threw him into the sink. Kirby had been burnt to a crisp and was completely red.

"Been tanning too long, Kirby?" laughed Snake.

"Grr! Gimme those mints!" the puffball screeched and snatched them off the table. "Bowser, get me a knife!"

Sonic fainted.

"Er... why?" Bowser asked, eating the mints.

"I'm going to cut up the mints." said Kirby.

"Oh, I thought you were gonna kill me!" Snake chuckled. Kirby shot him a murderous look.

"I am..." he murmured.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, er, I think it's just Kirby still sizzling." Bowser made strange noises between a murmur and sizzling chicken. They ignored him. Kirby started chopping mints but they kept flying off the table and one hit Bowser in the face.

"Why are mints so hard to break?!" Kirby yelled in frustration.

"That's why they're called mints," Bowser said, trying to sound intelligent.

Just the Link wandered into the kitchen. He smiled nervously at Kirby and poked him, trying to warn him of Snake and Sonic who could find out about the plan any moment now. However, Sonic and Snake had no idea of how jealous Link was of their fame in the mansion.

"Have you done the gun bit yet?" whispered Link.

"No," said Kirby. "I'm not going to kill them."

"But that was the whole idea of this plan!" Link exclaimed a little too loudly. Kirby, in irritation, swung the knife down onto the mint which made it zoom off the table and shoot out into the living room. It bounced off Lucas' head, rolled off Roy's cape and hit Crazy Hand... which triggered another round of craziness. The mint then flew back into the kitchen after knocking out Marth -narrowly missing Mario's sticky face- and bounced upon the table.

"Phew," said Snake. The mint jumped into his mouth. "Yaah!"

"He's choking, people! HE'S GONNA DIE!" Sonic shouted, flapping his arms.

"Quick, Kirby! Now's your chance to kill Sonic!" Link hissed in Kirby's ear. "Get a gun!"

"I haven't got one!" replied Kirby, watching Snake choke. "But I know who has one!"

* * *

Apart from the mint-bouncing-around-the-room-incident, everything was calm in the living room area of the Smash Mansion. Mario and Luigi still had their faces covered in gooey yellow syrup and that weird rabbid was still chewing the TV which no one had bothered to get rid of. Then, all of a sudden, Kirby ran into the room, still burning from being stuck in an oven waving his tiny arms about.

"I need a gun!" he exclaimed excitedly. "Who's got one?"

"Me," said Fox who was sitting on an armchair watching the rabbid. "Come and watch this rabbid, he's so cute! I've called him Jeremy."

"Can I use your gun?" Kirby asked sweetly. Fox almost melted from the puffball's sugary cuteness and reached into his pocket. Kirby gasped as he took it out of his holster.

"No," he said, tucking it back in his pocket. "Go and ask Falco. He won't mind."

"OK!" said Kirby.

He didn't need to look far for the bird, for he was sat next to him and heard all of the conversation. Kirby called his name but he wouldn't listen so he bit his hand.

"Ahh! Kirby!" Falco glared at the little cooked puffball. "...No. You can't have mine either."

But Kirby didn't want to be denied of a weapon again so he pushed Falco off the chair and stole his blaster. He rushed off into the kitchen and stuffed a few mints into his mouth, jumping over the chairs as he avoided a furious Falco. Although Sonic didn't have a clue of what was going on, Kirby couldn't quite hit him. Suddenly, Falco tripped over Bowser's foot and fell onto Kirby.

"Watch out!" Bowser roared, but it was too late. The bird squashed the puffball and the mints burst out of his mouth like mini bullets. Each bullet hit Sonic in the head with amazing accuracy, and, after falling over Jeremy who was eating the TV plug, he fainted.

"Yay! We killed them!" Link cheered, picking Kirby up and kissing him. "Ew, you taste disgusting."

"I know," sighed Kirby. "But we haven't killed them yet."

Crazy Hand crashed through the door and fell on the choking Snake. Incredibly, the mint shot out of his mouth and hit the hand, causing his bout of madness to end.

"Someone was dieing! Was it Snake? Was he choking?" the hand asked, stroking a bewildered Snake's head. "I was considering the Heimlich manoeuvre but I though squashing him was much more practical."

He then looked down at Sonic who was lying on the floor. However, they had all caused so much noise that he had woken up.

"This is all your fault, Kirby," Link pouted disappointedly. "And give me back my hat."

"Oh, this is _your_ hat?" said Kirby as Link pulled it off his feet. "I thought it was Jeremy's."

"Who's Jeremy?"

Right on cue, the manic rabbid scampered across the floor and ate up every single mint on the table, including the ones that Kirby and Snake had spat out. "NO ONE MUST KNOW ABOUT THIS CATASTROPHE!" it shrieked. Crazy Hand picked it up.

"Aw, whose pet is this?" he asked, stroking the large, red-eyed rabbid. It bit his finger.

"It's Fox's I think," said Kirby. "It just jumped through the window this morning and ate Samus."

Crazy Hand cheered. The rabbid threw confetti into the air and pulled out a microphone from its ears.

"Crazy Hand, would you do the honour of presenting our new, super, amazing, fabulous Spanish karaoke night?" Jeremy asked adorably. Bowser gaped at the pair. Link hugged Kirby tightly and Sonic and Snake just stood there. Falco was bored so he went back in the living room.

"Oh my..." the hand replied quietly. "Why of course... Yes! I will!"

Wedding music rang through the air. The Smashers applauded. Metaknight flew into the room shouting random Spanish words at Crazy Hand, such as 'mountains' and 'jar'.

"I'm going to bed," said Snake with a yawn.

"Why? It's still morning!" said Link, dropping Kirby on the floor.

"I'm going to plan something." he replied, and left the room. Crazy Hand grabbed him and hurled him upstairs.

"Now, where were we?" he questioned them with a smile. Well, you know what I mean.

"We were going to party like we're at a club in 1973!" squealed Bowser, swinging Kirby by his arms.

"Aha, wait there," said Jeremy, and he ran out of the kitchen. He was gone a few minutes, but when he came back all of his furry rabbid friends gathered around them in their smart disco clothes.

"Now, my dear Crazy Hand," Jeremy smiled. "Rabbids may not like TV's, play PSPs, eat mints or kill people with them..."

"BUT THEY CAN DANCE!!" the other rabbids sang. A giant shining disco ball descended from the ceiling and they all started dancing to Spanish songs. Crazy Hand amazed and amused them all with his bad singing. Bowser, for the first time in ages, grabbed a suit out of no where and performed cool dance moves which no one really cared about. As for Sonic, he just went with the flow and joined in with the singing.

"This is a disaster," said Link. "We didn't get to kill them. You're fired Kirby."

"YAY!" Kirby cheered happily and bounced around the room.

Link stared at them and growled at the partying Smashers and rabbids.

"Oh well, if Kirby can't do it, then I'll have to go onto Captain Falcon's part of the plan."

* * *

**DAAAAAH! I hope it was more crazy than the last chapter. Like I said before, I don't write a lot of comedy! In the next chapter Captain Falcon tries his part of the plan, but will it go as Link intended it?**

**And so, whilst I go off and join the rabbids in their karaoke party... please review!**


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